The Trouble With Monotony

I haven't written in a while. This lack of posting is not because adoption has been far from my mind, quite the opposite actually. I find that adoption and our daughter are almost always on my mind and in my prayers. It has been a while since I posted anything because there just isn't much to report. We still have yet to begin the paperwork process but we are getting closer. Debt is seriously dwindling and we are preparing for the beginning steps of what is affectionately called the paper pregnancy by funneling away extra money for the start up costs that can honestly be quite steep. Yeah, not exactly the exciting news I want but we are headed in the right direction.

Allow me to be honest with you as I share the hardest part of this journey right now. The current  problem with the monotony of life and what feels like little progress is that I am incredibly tempted to doubt God's calling concerning adoption. About a year ago God made this calling quite clear through scripture, prayer and even through random conversations. We saw God speak very loudly but it's funny how time seems to dull my sense of trust. When God was making His voice clear in our lives it was exciting but as time has passed I find myself tempted to ask God to prove His calling again. "Just show me one more time that what we are doing is your will, one more little sign."

Not only have I been temped to ask God to clarify His call, I have also been quite tempted to question whether His plan is actually the "best" for our family. I have had to surrender my picture for what I want our family to look like. I have always wanted a big family and it's quite obvious that I'm not getting any younger. What if this adoption throws off our plans? What if our family doesn't turn out the way I hope? What if...

Now my heart's cry, the desperate longing of my soul is for the Lord to grant me more faith. How can I possibly make it through the entire grueling adoption process if I can't trust the Lord before we even begin?!? This is me. This is the state of my heart. This is what I'm wrestling with now. 

I feel like I am always saying this but...

God, I believe. 

Help my unbelief.

Our Adopted Identity

"Sometimes people will speak of children who've been adopted as prone to having an 'identity crisis' at some point in their lives. This isn't the case for every child, of course, but it does seem that many children who were adopted find themselves asking at some point, 'Who am I?' The Bible reveals, though, that this kind of crisis of identity isn't limited to children who've been adopted. All of us are looking to discover who we really are, whether we were born into loving homes or abandoned at orphanage doors, whether we were born into stable families or born, like our Lord in a stable...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Imagine for a moment that you're adopting a child. As you meet with the social worker in the last stage of the adoption process, you're told that this twelve-year-old has been in and out of psychotherapy since he was three. He persists in burning things and attempting repeatedly to skin kittens alive. He 'acts out sexually,' the social worker says, although she doesn't really fill you in on what that means. She continues with a little family history. This boy's father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather all had histories of violence, ranging from spousal abuse to serial murder. Each of them ended life the same way, death by suicide - each found hanging from a rope of blankets in his respective prison cell.

Think for a minute. Would you want this child? If you did adopt him, wouldn't you keep your eye on him as he played with your other children? Would you watch him nervously as he looks at the butcher knife on the kitchen table? Would you leave the room as he watched a movie on television with your daughter, with the lights out?

Well, he's you. And he's me. That's what the gospel is telling us. Our birth father has fangs. And left to ourselves, we'll show ourselves to be as serpentine as he is.

That's why our sin ought to disturb us. The 'works of the flesh' - jealousy, envy, wrath, lust, hatred, and on and on - ought to alarm us the way a tightness in the chest would alarm a man whose father and grandfather had dropped dead at the age of forty of heart disease. It ought to scare us like forgetting the next-door neighbor's name would scare a woman whose mother was institutionalized on her thirty-fifth birthday for dementia. It's easy to deceive ourselves though. The chest-pains? They're just indigestion. The forgetfulness? It's just because of a hectic schedule. Even this self-deceit shows us our similarity to our reptilian birth father. He, after all 'knows that his time is short' but rages away against God and his Christ anyway (Rev. 12:12).


But the New Testament addresses former Satan-imagers with good news. It's not just that we have a stay of execution, a suspension of doom. It's not simply that those who trust in Christ have found a refuge, a safe place, or a foster home. All those in Christ, Paul argues, have received sonship. We are now 'Abraham's offspring' (Gal. 3:29). Within this household - the tribal family of Abraham - all those who are in Christ have found a home through the adopting power of God."

Adopted For Life- Russell D. Moore

(Pages. 25-26, 29-30)

Lessons Learned While We Wait

Sometimes the wait feels excruciating and we haven't even begun this process yet. Every adoption story is different and I would assume that most stories begin years before an application is ever sent. Just like the desire for a biological child begins to stir in the heart of a parent so does the desire to bring your child home who may live halfway across the world. There is a longing, an ache. You know in your heart that your family would not be complete if you don't pursue this calling. For our family, this wait has already seemed long.

Jon and I graduated from college and less than a year later were engaged. As we began to talk about our future we both knew God would call us to adopt. We just had no idea what that would look like.

"Wait for the Lord..."

We got married in 2006 and a few years into our marriage we began to feel a stirring to add to our family so we started to look into adoption. As we talked through the calling God had placed on our lives it was clear he was calling us to bring home a daughter from India. So as I began to research adopting from that specific country I was dismayed to see every program specify age for the adoptive parents. We weren't even close to being old enough. So...we waited.

"...be strong..."

The Lord blessed us with a son in 2010. Our lives were quickly turned upside down like all families who welcome a child for the first time. We welcomed a new normal for our family and ran with it. Less than a year after our son's birth we packed up and moved to a new city as Jon pursued God's calling to full time ministry. In the midst of getting settled in a new place something else began to stir in us.

During the fall of 2011 God began to quicken our hearts to pursue adoption. We began fasting and praying. God very clearly said yes but Jon felt a strong leading to prepare our finances first. We had a large amount of credit card debt resulting from the financial strain we felt after having our son. Our job situation was rough at that time and we hardly had enough to make ends meet. Jon felt compelled that we should honor God by hammering away at that debt before even thinking about raising money for an adoption. So following Jon's leading, God opened up a part-time job for me. Currently my paychecks are steadily paying off our debt. In a matter 4 months we have paid off almost half of our credit card debt! Praise the Lord!!

"...and take heart and wait for the Lord." - Psalm 27:14

Currently, that is where we stand. We are waiting again although it is a wait with a purpose. God is moving and we are being obedient to his leading. However, as I think of this wait I can't help but realize that our lives as Christians are in this same waiting pattern. Christ has come to ransom a world for himself. He has completed his work as Savior by living a perfect life, dying on the cross and rising from the dead allowing those who put their faith in him to have forgiveness of their sins and eternal life. Amen, the work as been done. However we still wait.

"Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him." - Hebrews 9:27-28

We live in a broken world. We still struggle with sin in our own lives as we strive to live a life of holiness. Our hearts ache for more. We see that our desires cannot be fulfilled in this world. Our aching, our groaning is for the return of our God. Our ache is to see the face of our Savior and to worship him for eternity, to experience that unbroken fellowship with God that we were made to enjoy. We ache for our own adoption. Yes Lord, come!! So just like our adoption journey involves a purposeful waiting period so does our walk with the Lord. We are waiting for the completion of God's work but we have been given work to do while we wait.Our debt has been paid but so many others live without Christ. Our lives have been ransomed but we still often live like they belong to us. There is much work to be done as we wait, so we wait in expectation knowing that what is to come is better than what we could have ever imagined.

"...we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redeemed of our bodies." - Romans 8:23b

Where to begin...

We're adopting! Well, currently we haven't started any paperwork but the word from God has been quite clear on this subject. The call to adopt has been heavy on my heart for years, even before we were blessed with our son. Although the desire was present God's confirmation was never clear until a few months ago. In November 2011 on Orphan Sunday God fiercely began to stir up these buried emotions. After church Jon and I began talking about adoption and we both felt that God brought this up again for a reason and we agreed to begin seeking the Lord's will through prayer as well as fasting.

As we prayed God continued to confirm this desire, through his word and even through random conversations. I remember one specific day when I had a phone call with my sister Samantha. I shared with her this stirring in my heart and for a second there was silence, then Samantha told me that God had led her to pray specifically for our family concerning adoption back in October. It's so crazy when you begin to see God's hand weaving a story together. Something is happening and all I can say is that is it bigger then me.

Near the middle of November Jon and I talked more specifically about adoption. Our finances are in a great spot right now but around the time Aiden was born we got into credit card debt due to our job situation. As we discussed our options we agreed that we need to truly honor God in our finances and this debt was standing in our way. The stupid credit card debt was keeping me from bringing my child home and I was not about to let that be the case so...I began praying that God would provide a part time job.

December came and went, January roared in with a family crisis when Jon's brother Andrew was in a serious car accident. That situation encompassed our lives so adoption quickly was put on the back burner. Through a random connection at church I began hearing of a possible part time job opening so I handed in my resume followed by weeks of well...nothing. Then in February, on my birthday actually I got a phone call and an offer to work at a Children's Crisis Unit as a part time employee. Praise God for his goodness and provision!

As it stands right now we have made two payments toward our debt and seeing the numbers dwindle down is more then exciting! With all of my income getting funneled in that direction we are beginning to see progress. Despite the progress and especially knowing how easy it is for me to get carried away by my emotions I am reminded even now to be praying for wisdom. I am continuing to pray for God's will and timing with the full knowledge that he could call us to begin the process tomorrow whether we feel it is the "right time" or not. I am so ready to bring our little girl home. I know we have been called to this and we choose to walk in obedience, no matter the cost.