The Trouble With Monotony

I haven't written in a while. This lack of posting is not because adoption has been far from my mind, quite the opposite actually. I find that adoption and our daughter are almost always on my mind and in my prayers. It has been a while since I posted anything because there just isn't much to report. We still have yet to begin the paperwork process but we are getting closer. Debt is seriously dwindling and we are preparing for the beginning steps of what is affectionately called the paper pregnancy by funneling away extra money for the start up costs that can honestly be quite steep. Yeah, not exactly the exciting news I want but we are headed in the right direction.

Allow me to be honest with you as I share the hardest part of this journey right now. The current  problem with the monotony of life and what feels like little progress is that I am incredibly tempted to doubt God's calling concerning adoption. About a year ago God made this calling quite clear through scripture, prayer and even through random conversations. We saw God speak very loudly but it's funny how time seems to dull my sense of trust. When God was making His voice clear in our lives it was exciting but as time has passed I find myself tempted to ask God to prove His calling again. "Just show me one more time that what we are doing is your will, one more little sign."

Not only have I been temped to ask God to clarify His call, I have also been quite tempted to question whether His plan is actually the "best" for our family. I have had to surrender my picture for what I want our family to look like. I have always wanted a big family and it's quite obvious that I'm not getting any younger. What if this adoption throws off our plans? What if our family doesn't turn out the way I hope? What if...

Now my heart's cry, the desperate longing of my soul is for the Lord to grant me more faith. How can I possibly make it through the entire grueling adoption process if I can't trust the Lord before we even begin?!? This is me. This is the state of my heart. This is what I'm wrestling with now. 

I feel like I am always saying this but...

God, I believe. 

Help my unbelief.